You were there//You were there in the midst of the unclear//You were there//You were there always//You were there when obedience seemed to not make sense//You were there, You were always there//you were always there
As I drive down these dry dusty roads that lead to lots of little lovelies, the words to this familiar song loudly pour from my speakers and from my lips. Avalon, it’s been awhile, but your song has followed me down some tough roads in life. It has reminded me of God’s faithful presence in the fog, it has encouraged me to stand strong and keep chasing after Jesus even when it just didn’t make sense, and it has allowed me to shout a sermon at my own prideful heart more than once -”how will I learn that my ways aren’t as high as yours are, you alone keep the universe from crumbling into dust!”. It’s ironic that it now finds me on this road. In the middle of nowhere Uganda. In a poverty stricken village where it seems everything has a barrier and it’s all just too big. Like before, I’m in the dark, stumbling in the fog. Few people understand this calling. A lot of days even I don’t. It doesn’t make sense. But He’s been there before, and He is still here now.
And even now I will continue to fall before Him every time I try to hold onto things too tightly, or in the moments I want to blaze ahead in my own strength. When my ugly heart again needs a lesson about who is the Master of all things, I’ll bring him all of my weaknesses and messy shortcomings to lay at His feet in surrender:
“How will I learn that my ways aren’t as high as Yours are// you alone keep the universe from crumbling into dust//you are God and though we would not have understood you// there you were//hanging blameless on a cross//you would rather die than leave us in the dark//every moment every planned coincidence all makes sense with your last breath..
Because it’s never been about me. It’s always been about Him. This is all too big. It’s ridiculous actually. But I know that He is bigger. And He knows the solution to every problem and the answer to every need. And He has had a plan for this place from the foundation of the world…and he chose me. Me. A Little nobody girl from Ohio that had no idea she’d find herself doing life in Africa one day, responsible for 58 children, worrying about 7 goats and 150 chickens. Me, incapable and incompetent yet he is making me able to do all these things that I could never do in myself through Him who gives me strength. And I get to sit back and watch His glory fall time and time again. It’s in those moments my obedience makes sense and this amazingly pursuant God of mine just leaves me breathless and crying out for more. Because once you’ve tasted and seen that the Lord is good, nothing else will ever come close to satisfying.